So much has happened since my initial post announcing that we are answering the call to adopt. Where do I start? Well, lets start where we left off on the last post. We have been seeking the Lord and asking Him to show us what direction He intends for us to step in. After much much MUCH prayer and fasting, we have heard from Him :)...but just to keep you interested and to show you just how BIG the God we serve is, I want to take you down the road we traveled to get to where we are today. We began by praying through countries and asking the Holy Spirit to lay places or burdens on our hearts that He wanted us to pursue.
We started really being burdened for orphans in Africa, so with much prayer we explored the countries in Africa that we would be eligible to adopt from. We decided that we would pursue any country we felt God giving us permission to explore and that was supported by the agency we had prayed about and felt confident in using. We agreed that when we felt God closing the door on that corner of the world, we would be obedient without hesitation, not trying to hold a closing door open. No matter how bad it hurt our hearts to let it close. God's ways are higher, we can't understand Him. Praise God we don't have to understand Him we just have to trust Him! amen?
Having been to Uganda when he was a teenager, Jake has a broken heart and intense burden for the precious Ugandan babies who are being abandoned and orphaned daily. We prayed and looked into their requirements, which we met, but the way they do adoption didn't sit right in our hearts. We were a little sketched out by the fact that you don't actually adopt the baby when you go pick him up, you apply for guardianship, bring him back to the states and then start the adoption process. Meanwhile, if there is a change in government or they shut the door to outside adoption or change adoption requirements or policies before the adoption in finalized then they can come and "repossess" your baby, taking him back to Uganda and you will likely never see or hear from your child again. If you are at all familiar with recent Ugandan history you know that this could easily happen with their current unstable government. We had no peace, I am sure that this option is right for some people, but our Spirit would give us no peace when we prayed. Next, we felt lead to pray about Ethiopia, after a lot of prayer, we really thought this was it...this is where the next Hendon baby was going to come from...wrong. Turns out, due to the high volume of interest in Ethiopian orphans, the agency we had decided to go with, was taking a hiatus from adoptions in Ethiopia. Really? Yes, I guess the demand was outweighing the supply. Praise God! What a wonderful problem to have: too many people wanting to adopt, and not enough orphans :)....so in obedience we moved on to another country...The Congo...this part of Africa has always elicited fearful emotions in me, largely in part to the book, "Heart of Darkness" that I was required to read in my high school English class haha, but I promised at the start of this journey to be open to wherever the Lord lead, so to The Congo we went, in our hearts and minds anyway. Just when I felt myself becoming attached to the idea of The Congo giving us our new baby, I mean literally a week after I got warmed up to the idea, I am notified that the Congo has closed their doors to outside adoption. Are you kidding me? What are you doing to us, Lord??? Needless to say, at this point, He more than had our attention. We began asking the Lord if He was closing the door on the entire continent of Africa? Was Africa our desire and not His for our family? He was. It was. We had to get over the fact that our desire was not His desire. His ways are higher, remember? So we decided that our prayer would be for Him to shape our desires to become an exact match to His. This takes time. A lot of time. Hence the lack of updates. I cannot update you on things that the Lord has not yet "updated" us on haha. Okay, so Africa is out, and that only leaves a few countries that have requirements which we as a family meet. We loved the idea of adopting from China, but who doesn't!? As a whole, those babies are the cutest babies in the world in my humble opinion. But its worth mentioning that as a youth pastor and stay at home mom, we will never meet the income requirement set by the Chinese government. ha! Moving on to more realistic options, we looked into countries in Russia, Asia, and South America but no matter how bad we wanted it or how much we prayed, we could not get peace. About anywhere.
Meanwhile in the background of my life, everything I read, watched and listened to would have some little nugget about domestic adoption and the need for people to care for and love the hurting orphans of our nation. At first my heart was a little, okay a lot, guarded. I was very nervous about domestic adoption for a lot of reasons, but mostly because of the potential for the birth parents to find us down the road (there are ways), forcing their way into our lives and disrupting the bond we had worked so hard to form with our precious adopted child. Or even worse was my fear that when my child got older, they would seek out their "real mom". Leaving me as just some lady who raised them while their "real mom" got it together or decided she wanted to be a mom. It scared me and selfishly I wanted no part of that drama.
Faithfully, and like He always does, God softened my heart. Through people, books, blogs and especially His Word, God showed me that if I am the mom that He has called me and equipped me to be to this precious child then I shouldn't feel threatened at the possibility of that child one day seeking a relationship with their birth parents or vice versa. An intense and miraculous peace started to grow and take over my heart. I knew where God was leading us. Domestic adoption. I couldn't wait to share it with Jake, but the Lord impressed on my heart that I was to keep this revelation to myself and wait on Him to reveal it to Jake in His perfect time. So I kept it to myself, we share everything so this was definitely supernatural strength that enabled me to be obedient.
One night, about three weeks later, while I was cooking supper, Jake came in and shared his heart with me. He told me that God had been showing him things and while he was not making a unilateral decision that affected our whole family, he wanted me to know that God was really opening his eyes and heart to the need in our own "backyard". That he had started to feel extremely burdened for babies here in the United States. Especially, the babies who are being aborted daily. He shared me with that he felt the Lord pushing us in that direction. To be a part of the solution to our own hurting nation. To be an option for a pregnant birth mom who feels abortion is her only option. About midway through this conversation, I just started to smile, I couldn't help it. I didn't want to interrupt my husband so I continued to listen while smiling uncontrollably. At the end, when he was finished, he asked me what my deal was? ha! Why I was smiling? He didn't expect that reaction at all, in fact, he was a little apprehensive about telling me, afraid I wouldn't feel the same way. I felt the Lord giving me permission, telling me that now was the time to share His revelation. So I told Jake all about what the Lord had been showing me and how he had softened my heart and given me confidence and peace about this direction He was leading us in. Even though we continued to pray and seek the Lord, the decision to adopt domestically was made that night. Such a long grueling process and then just like that the decision was made. The Holy Spirit was leading, we were just along for the ride. Hanging on for dear life.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
This is our story, this is our song...
I feel I need to start at the beginning...
Jake and I were high school sweethearts. We fell in love when we were just barely teenagers. Looking back, I'm amazed that at such a young age, we really did "know what love was". Now that's not to say that our love then was anything like what it is now. We have grown so much and in so many different ways and I know that in ten more years, I will be able to say the same things about our love then verses our love now. That's what love does, it grows and changes with time, but when it is rooted in Jesus, it always remains. ...So back to our story...boy meets girl, boy loves girl, boy dates girl for 5 years, then boy marries girl :)
We were in college when we got married, I was in school to be a nurse and he was in Bible college, both preparing to take on the world for Jesus. We decided ahead of time that we would wait a "good while" before even thinking about having kids. We were young, married and having the time of our life. We were both working and going to school, it's amazing we even had time for each other, but by God's grace we made time for what mattered, Jesus and each other. You see, we learned at a very young age that in order to grow in our relationship with one another, we must first seek to grow in our relationship with Jesus.
We were about sixteen the first time he showed me that He had what it took to be "the spiritual leader" of our future family. ...Jake was always saying or doing either crazy, silly things or things that hinted that he was wise beyond his years. (Either was fine with me, I loved both polar opposite facets of his personality. He hasn't changed a bit and I still love it) ....back to the story...He wrote me a love note, (I know. We aren't very old, but even we were before the time of text messages and Facebook posts) in it he confessed that he had been making me a higher priority in his heart than the Lord, spending time with me had begun to take precedence over time spent in the Word and in prayer. He said He loved me, but He would always love Jesus more. Little did I know, those are the most loving words anyone could have ever said to me. I didn't grow up in a spiritually led home, so I didn't know much, but one thing I knew for sure, Jake Hendon was the real deal.
We have always tried to base our marriage on the principle of putting our love for Jesus first and each other second. I confess we sometimes get it twisted, but God always shows us and corrects us with His loving grace. Praise Him!....(I know I am writing a lot and it seems to be somewhat off topic, but I really want to share our heart with you guys, I feel like that is what God is asking me to do, so do it I must...please be patient with me :)
During our first couple of years of marriage, a heart problem I was unknowingly born with began to get worse and slowly it started to take over our life. I got sicker and weaker over time and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. We learned relatively quickly what it meant to love each other "in sickness and in health" Jake, at 21 years of age, was taking care of his sick wife and I, in what should have been the prime of my life, learned how to be, at times, totally dependent on my young husband. Did I mention that we lived out-of-state from our families? And our closest friends lived 30 minutes away...to say we had Jesus and each other would be the literal truth. Sometimes I look back and wonder how we made it through the darkest time of our young lives. Jesus. That is the only answer. He was there with us then and He is with us now....due to my sickness I had to take a year off from school, to those of you who didn't know me then, I was devastated. Back then, I was as career driven as any girl could be. School was everything to me, I gave it my all and I was good at it. Not a semester went by that I didn't make the Dean's list. I was doing it all for God's glory and He was blessing it. Little did I know, His plans for my life were very different from the ones I had envisioned in my heart. During my year long sabbatical from school, God showed me the plans He had for me. To be a wife and mother. To stay home with my future children and be there to support my husband in ministry. My heart was reluctant, to say the least. I ignored God's calling on my life and as a result, I did not get better. I got worse, only when I finally submitted to God's plan for my life was I healed. By God's grace and wisdom, the surgeon was able to find my defective heart tissue and correct the problem. Praise God!
I had surgery in April 2010; we got the call from Pleasant Grove Baptist Church in May, just a few short weeks later. Wow. We prayed and fasted over the direction God was taking us. We didnt want to move an inch to the left or right unless we were certain that God was the one moving us...We were certain. We moved to the small town of Moulton, Alabama at the end of August to begin our journey in student ministry. What an amazing journey it has been thus far. God has taught us more in the past two years than ever before. There have been moments when we have questioned if we were actually making an impact on these students' lives or if we were just glorified chaperones. God would solidify our calling and our purpose in other moments. I like to call them lightbulb moments, moments where you can almost visibly see your students getting it, getting real with Jesus and then allowing Him to transform their lives. Precious moments. We love our teenagers more than I could ever express, there is nothing more rewarding than watching them grow deeper in their knowledge and faith in Jesus, to which we have a front row ticket...I have loved sitting back and watching Him work :)
Before I had my surgery, I was given strict instructions by my doctor not to get pregnant because my heart would not have been able to handle the added stress on my body. We weren't ready to have a baby anyway, so no big deal. Then, after my surgery, at my 3 month follow-up appointment, we were given the green light to start our family whenever we decided it was time. I didn't expect it, but something snapped inside of me, a switch flipped, and from that moment on, I was consumed with the desire to have a baby. A switch did not flip inside of my husband, however. He was adamant that now was not the time for us to start our family. I wish I could say that I was the picture of a submissive wife and that I left the subject alone. I wasn't and I didn't. I tried everything under the sun to change his mind, but my powers of persuasion were just not enough. He didn't budge. After a while, the Lord convicted my heart and taught me to be submissive to both Him and my husband. I needed to wait on the Lord, He would give Jake peace in His perfect time. I needed to trust the Lord and I needed to trust that my husband was seeking His will. So, thankfully, I did. It wasnt easy, but I shut up about it. The desire never left me, but I left it alone. I waited on the Lord. And a few short months later, something miraculous happened, we were driving home one night and out of nowhere, Jake tells me that he is ready. He had been praying about it and God had given him peace. I was elated. I couldn't wait to start our family!
We tried for a few months with no success, I was disheartened, but hopeful. I was already scheduled for a yearly visit to see my gynecologist, so I mentioned to her that we had been trying, with no success, to get pregnant. She had been my doctor since I was fifteen years old. She knew my history. I had what is known as Amenorrhea, without going into too much detail, in my case this meant I rarely, if ever, ovulated. I had known from the time I was a teenager that things weren't working properly in that department, but to a teenage girl not thinking about having a family, that wasn't a big deal. Nothing to worry about...until now. I had never really considered that if I didn't ovulate then that meant getting pregnant would be next to impossible...until now. As my doctor said those words and as she handed me a referral to an infertility clinic, I was numb. It was like everything was happening in slow motion. How can this one thing that never seemed like a big deal to the teenage version of me, completely rock my world now? Why was I surprised? Shouldn't I have seen it coming? And why did I come to this visit alone? I needed my husband, but I had assured him that everything was fine and that there was no need for him to come with me. I was wrong. I was broken. I told him the news over the phone because when he called to see how everything went he knew something was wrong, could hear it in my voice, so I told him. I have never been able to pretend with him. And as usual, he was hopeful. So full of hope. He assured me that doctors do not know everything and that God is in control. If we were supposed to have a baby then we would and if not then we would adopt.
He had always wanted to adopt since we were just kids. He talked about it all the time, how wonderful it would be to give a child an abundant life when he would otherwise be destined to live a life of destitution, if he lived at all. He would say that it's the closest thing to what Jesus did for us, a picture of the gospel....I knew he would feel that way, he would be fine if it wasn't in God's plan for us to get pregnant. I, however, did not share those feelings. I wanted to adopt...one day, but more than anything I wanted to experience my child growing in my belly and be connected in a way that only a mother could be with her child. So, once again, I begged Jake for a baby. But this time, I was pleading with him to go see the Infertility Specialist, and once again, he was adamant. He did not have peace about it. He didn't believe there was anything wrong with seeking treatment, he just didn't feel like that's where God was leading us. He had been praying a very specific prayer for months, that God "would do something in and through our life that was so big, that only He could get the glory". My Spirit understood, but my flesh was rebelling, I felt like he was crushing my dream of ever having a baby. Things got tense between us, and things were never tense. We've always had a wonderful relationship, one with good communication and understanding. It didn't take long for the Lord to "wear me out" with conviction over how I was treating my husband. With a sincere heart, I went to Jake and told him that even though I didn't agree with him and it hurt me beyond description, I was going to recognize his authority and respect his decision for us not to seek treatment. I was willing to keep trying and wait on the Lord.
...Negative test after negative test was met with a river of tears...I began to get depressed. It wasn't that I didn't have faith that God could open my womb, I had faith. I didn't doubt for a second that if He wanted me to have a baby then He could make it happen. I just knew in my heart that no amount of faith or prayer could give me a baby if it's not what God wanted. I had a hard time dealing with that fact. I got angry with God. After all, didn't I just give up my dreams of a career because he told me that His plan was for me to be a stay-at-home mom? I could've been in school doing what I love. Instead, I was breaking over a lost dream that I didn't even know I had until he placed it in my heart. I was mad. I was hurt. I was confused. My depression hit fast and furious, I went into a dark place. When you're mad at God, who do you run to? I had always ran to my Savior, no matter what I was facing. This was different, we were on the outs. Even though I knew that I wasn't alone, I felt alone. My depression may have been deep, but praise Jesus, it was short lived! God was speaking to my heart and I was listening. He softened my heart and gave me the grace I needed to accept His will. He broke me, poured me out and filled me with His perfect peace. There was still an ache in my heart at the thought of never having a baby, but I can honestly say, I came to terms with it. He brought me to a place where I could say in full sincerity that whatever he willed for my life, I was excited about it. He spoke to my heart about adoption. And for the first time in my life, I was excited about that too. I began to see it as my sweet husband had seen it for years, a beautiful picture of the gospel. I was excited and honored that God would choose me to be a small part in the incredible picture He was so effortlessly painting. I knew we had to wait a few years before we would even be eligible to adopt, but I was alright with that, because I knew it was God's will. I stopped obsessing over having a baby, over imagined pregnancy symptoms, I was content with Jake's motto "if it happens then wonderful, if not, we know that God has a better plan". One thing was for certain, we were supposed to adopt. We both had heard from the Lord and there was no doubt in either of us.
About a month later, I woke up and like so many times before, I was exhibiting "pregnancy symptoms". My heart was guarded and I refused to get sucked into this imagined craziness again. But these symptoms could not be ignored, neither could the Holy Spirit. I had this overwhelming sense that I was pregnant...I had sworn off pregnancy tests, so there were none in the house. So I woke Jake up and we took a trip to Walmart. Three tests later and it was confirmed, God had given me the desire of my heart!!!! A miracle baby was growing in my belly!!!!! I wish I had words to describe the feelings I felt in that moment, but there are none that would suffice. So I'll just let you imagine how I must have felt.....whatever you just imagined, I promise it was so much more :)
It didn't happen right away, but slowly, I could feel myself pulling away from the idea of adoption. The farther along I got in my pregnancy the more I started to wonder if God was just testing me to see if I was willing to trust and obey Him. I started believing that God wouldn't have given me a baby if we were supposed to adopt, would He? We must have gotten our wires crossed.
Through it all, Jake maintained that we were called to adopt, he never wavered. Never doubted. I did and it began to cause tension in our relationship, yet again. Adoption started to become a sensitive subject for both of us, eventually we stopped talking about it completely. If our marriage would have been a house then adoption would have been a room we both refused to visit. We closed that room off, boarded it up and pretended it didn't exist. We maintained a happy marriage, but deep down, the room we were trying so desperately to ignore was ripping us apart. We could only ignore it for so long...thankfully, just as always, God was faithful to speak to my heart. I was seven months pregnant and we were on our last vacation before our sweet baby girl was scheduled to arrive....did I forget to mention, we found out we were having a girl! :)....we were walking along the beach one evening and God spoke these words clear into my heart, "stop using this blessing that I am growing inside of you as an excuse not to do what I have called you to do. I gave you the desire of your heart because I love you and it was a part of My perfect plan, not to confuse you or to make you doubt what I have told you to do." It stopped me in my tracks. I had no doubt it was the Lord. His words pierced me like a knife and with them came overwhelming conviction. Once again, God broke me. I talked to Jake about what God had revealed to me and how He was changing my heart. Tears of joy were shed by both of us as he told me he had been praying for me. He knew I had been struggling and just as I had waited on him to have peace about starting a family the year before, he knew He had to wait on me in the same way now about our decision to adopt. God healed both of hearts and we were excited about adopting again...I was still scared, but I was on board. Certain of what we were supposed to do, but not sure when we were supposed to do it. We agreed that since adoption was usually a long, drawn out process that we wouldn't wait very long after our daughter was born to get started on the paperwork. Then we would wait on the Lord and His perfect timing.
I loved being pregnant. It wasn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but through it all, I was reminded how much I wanted this and how just a few months ago I would've given anything to experience the pains of pregnancy. So when I went into labor at 33 weeks and nothing the doctors did could stop my contractions, I had to remind myself that God had brought me this far, he was not going to leave me now. He was not going to leave me ever. I contracted every three to four minutes around the clock for four weeks. It was miserable. I was put on strict bed rest and admitted to the hospital four different times. Even then I was thankful. I may have been screaming in pain, but I was thankful. It was never far from my thoughts that the alternative was to never experience this at all, that helped me get through the pain and frustration. That, and knowing that soon I would hold my sweet miracle baby in my arms.
Finally, she was here. I wasn't thinking about all we had been through to get her here, the heartache and the pain; all I could think about was the fact that she was finally here. Ella Kate. She was six pounds, one ounce, eighteen inches of pure perfection. Jake and I were in love; head over heels, don't know what your getting yourself into, L-O-V-E, love. Our first few days with her were wonderful, everything I had ever imagined. It wasn't long until the baby blues set in, I had been warned about them so I didn't get alarmed when they started to rear their weepy, irrational head. No one ever warned me that they might not go away. They didn't. They got worse, before I realized what was going on, I was in full blown depression. If you've never experienced it, you have no idea what a horrifying place that is for a mom, especially a new mom. Weeks went by in a blur of tears and feelings of failure and resentment. I felt hopeless and I had no logical reason to feel anything less than happy. I didn't even know that what I was experiencing wasn't normal until a dear friend forced me to face reality. I was not myself, I was not alright. I needed to rid myself of pride and seek help. I went to see my doctor that day. He diagnosed me with post-partum depression and told me that he was thankful I didn't wait because without medical intervention it would continue to get worse. A few short weeks later, I was feeling more like myself than I had in a long time, but I was still a long way from where I wanted to be. It was going to take time. I was no where close to being in a place where I could even think about adoption. Every time Jake would bring it up I could feel myself starting to have an anxiety attack. So we held off on taking any steps towards the adoption process. We decided to spend Ella Kate's first year focused on her and learning how to be her parents. We didn't set any limits on how long it would take to begin the process, but we decided that it was definitely not going to happen during her first year like we had originally planned. We never stopped praying about it and never stopped believing that one day it would be time.
Ella Kate had her first birthday a little over a month ago. Shortly after, I felt a stirring in my heart for more children. It felt like everyone around me was either expecting their second child or getting ready to try for number two. I started to get baby fever when my baby wasn't so much a "baby" anymore. She was walking and talking. The picture of Miss Independent. I joked with Jake about having another one and to my surprise he wasn't against it. He felt the stirring too. We prayed about it, but we could not get peace about having another baby. After a great deal of prayer, we knew that the stirring we were feeling was the Lord awakening our desire to adopt. It was time to start the process. We would have to wait until July to start the official paperwork, but the Holy Spirit was urging us to start raising financial and spiritual support as soon as possible.
A few days after we came to this decision, I was contacted by a friend I hadn't spoken to in over a year. We had both moved away and lost touch due to the chaos known as life. She wanted to let me know that she was now an independent beauty consultant for a cosmetic company known as Mary Kay. She new that I loved Mary Kay products and wondered if I would be interested in becoming a consultant as well. She also knew that I was a stay-at-home mom and wanted me to take advantage of this golden opportunity to make extra income if I desired. I didn't contact her back. I wanted to message her and thank her for thinking of me, but let her know that I wasn't interested. For some reason I just couldn't, the Holy Spirit wouldn't let me. I was instructed to hold off and pray. So I prayed and God showed me that this was part of His plan. I shared this with my husband and he prayed too. We both felt that God was making a way for us to adopt. Despite my fears of failure and my feelings of inadequacy and intimidation, we decided to be obedient and trust God. I am now an independent beauty consultant for Mary Kay. Everything I sell will go towards our adoption fund. Please pray for me as I begin this endeavor.
We are so excited about our baby! He* may be a toddler or he may not even be born yet, but one thing is for certain, He is ours. God is going to watch over him until it is time for us to have him. We pray for him everyday and ask that you join us in praying for him. We love him the way we love his sister, Ella Kate. We look forward to the journey of bringing him home.
Thank you for taking the time to read this "novel" that is our story. I promise my blogs will not be long on a regular basis. I will probably never write a post this long ever again. That being said, I feel like God was calling me to share our story. I hope it helped or touched someone in a special way. I want to thank you in advance for your love and support as we start this journey. The journey of bringing our son home.
*we have both always felt like our adopted baby will be a boy so we refer to him as a he, it is not set in stone and we are open to any baby that God gives us.
Jake and I were high school sweethearts. We fell in love when we were just barely teenagers. Looking back, I'm amazed that at such a young age, we really did "know what love was". Now that's not to say that our love then was anything like what it is now. We have grown so much and in so many different ways and I know that in ten more years, I will be able to say the same things about our love then verses our love now. That's what love does, it grows and changes with time, but when it is rooted in Jesus, it always remains. ...So back to our story...boy meets girl, boy loves girl, boy dates girl for 5 years, then boy marries girl :)
We were in college when we got married, I was in school to be a nurse and he was in Bible college, both preparing to take on the world for Jesus. We decided ahead of time that we would wait a "good while" before even thinking about having kids. We were young, married and having the time of our life. We were both working and going to school, it's amazing we even had time for each other, but by God's grace we made time for what mattered, Jesus and each other. You see, we learned at a very young age that in order to grow in our relationship with one another, we must first seek to grow in our relationship with Jesus.
We were about sixteen the first time he showed me that He had what it took to be "the spiritual leader" of our future family. ...Jake was always saying or doing either crazy, silly things or things that hinted that he was wise beyond his years. (Either was fine with me, I loved both polar opposite facets of his personality. He hasn't changed a bit and I still love it) ....back to the story...He wrote me a love note, (I know. We aren't very old, but even we were before the time of text messages and Facebook posts) in it he confessed that he had been making me a higher priority in his heart than the Lord, spending time with me had begun to take precedence over time spent in the Word and in prayer. He said He loved me, but He would always love Jesus more. Little did I know, those are the most loving words anyone could have ever said to me. I didn't grow up in a spiritually led home, so I didn't know much, but one thing I knew for sure, Jake Hendon was the real deal.
We have always tried to base our marriage on the principle of putting our love for Jesus first and each other second. I confess we sometimes get it twisted, but God always shows us and corrects us with His loving grace. Praise Him!....(I know I am writing a lot and it seems to be somewhat off topic, but I really want to share our heart with you guys, I feel like that is what God is asking me to do, so do it I must...please be patient with me :)
During our first couple of years of marriage, a heart problem I was unknowingly born with began to get worse and slowly it started to take over our life. I got sicker and weaker over time and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. We learned relatively quickly what it meant to love each other "in sickness and in health" Jake, at 21 years of age, was taking care of his sick wife and I, in what should have been the prime of my life, learned how to be, at times, totally dependent on my young husband. Did I mention that we lived out-of-state from our families? And our closest friends lived 30 minutes away...to say we had Jesus and each other would be the literal truth. Sometimes I look back and wonder how we made it through the darkest time of our young lives. Jesus. That is the only answer. He was there with us then and He is with us now....due to my sickness I had to take a year off from school, to those of you who didn't know me then, I was devastated. Back then, I was as career driven as any girl could be. School was everything to me, I gave it my all and I was good at it. Not a semester went by that I didn't make the Dean's list. I was doing it all for God's glory and He was blessing it. Little did I know, His plans for my life were very different from the ones I had envisioned in my heart. During my year long sabbatical from school, God showed me the plans He had for me. To be a wife and mother. To stay home with my future children and be there to support my husband in ministry. My heart was reluctant, to say the least. I ignored God's calling on my life and as a result, I did not get better. I got worse, only when I finally submitted to God's plan for my life was I healed. By God's grace and wisdom, the surgeon was able to find my defective heart tissue and correct the problem. Praise God!
I had surgery in April 2010; we got the call from Pleasant Grove Baptist Church in May, just a few short weeks later. Wow. We prayed and fasted over the direction God was taking us. We didnt want to move an inch to the left or right unless we were certain that God was the one moving us...We were certain. We moved to the small town of Moulton, Alabama at the end of August to begin our journey in student ministry. What an amazing journey it has been thus far. God has taught us more in the past two years than ever before. There have been moments when we have questioned if we were actually making an impact on these students' lives or if we were just glorified chaperones. God would solidify our calling and our purpose in other moments. I like to call them lightbulb moments, moments where you can almost visibly see your students getting it, getting real with Jesus and then allowing Him to transform their lives. Precious moments. We love our teenagers more than I could ever express, there is nothing more rewarding than watching them grow deeper in their knowledge and faith in Jesus, to which we have a front row ticket...I have loved sitting back and watching Him work :)
Before I had my surgery, I was given strict instructions by my doctor not to get pregnant because my heart would not have been able to handle the added stress on my body. We weren't ready to have a baby anyway, so no big deal. Then, after my surgery, at my 3 month follow-up appointment, we were given the green light to start our family whenever we decided it was time. I didn't expect it, but something snapped inside of me, a switch flipped, and from that moment on, I was consumed with the desire to have a baby. A switch did not flip inside of my husband, however. He was adamant that now was not the time for us to start our family. I wish I could say that I was the picture of a submissive wife and that I left the subject alone. I wasn't and I didn't. I tried everything under the sun to change his mind, but my powers of persuasion were just not enough. He didn't budge. After a while, the Lord convicted my heart and taught me to be submissive to both Him and my husband. I needed to wait on the Lord, He would give Jake peace in His perfect time. I needed to trust the Lord and I needed to trust that my husband was seeking His will. So, thankfully, I did. It wasnt easy, but I shut up about it. The desire never left me, but I left it alone. I waited on the Lord. And a few short months later, something miraculous happened, we were driving home one night and out of nowhere, Jake tells me that he is ready. He had been praying about it and God had given him peace. I was elated. I couldn't wait to start our family!
We tried for a few months with no success, I was disheartened, but hopeful. I was already scheduled for a yearly visit to see my gynecologist, so I mentioned to her that we had been trying, with no success, to get pregnant. She had been my doctor since I was fifteen years old. She knew my history. I had what is known as Amenorrhea, without going into too much detail, in my case this meant I rarely, if ever, ovulated. I had known from the time I was a teenager that things weren't working properly in that department, but to a teenage girl not thinking about having a family, that wasn't a big deal. Nothing to worry about...until now. I had never really considered that if I didn't ovulate then that meant getting pregnant would be next to impossible...until now. As my doctor said those words and as she handed me a referral to an infertility clinic, I was numb. It was like everything was happening in slow motion. How can this one thing that never seemed like a big deal to the teenage version of me, completely rock my world now? Why was I surprised? Shouldn't I have seen it coming? And why did I come to this visit alone? I needed my husband, but I had assured him that everything was fine and that there was no need for him to come with me. I was wrong. I was broken. I told him the news over the phone because when he called to see how everything went he knew something was wrong, could hear it in my voice, so I told him. I have never been able to pretend with him. And as usual, he was hopeful. So full of hope. He assured me that doctors do not know everything and that God is in control. If we were supposed to have a baby then we would and if not then we would adopt.
He had always wanted to adopt since we were just kids. He talked about it all the time, how wonderful it would be to give a child an abundant life when he would otherwise be destined to live a life of destitution, if he lived at all. He would say that it's the closest thing to what Jesus did for us, a picture of the gospel....I knew he would feel that way, he would be fine if it wasn't in God's plan for us to get pregnant. I, however, did not share those feelings. I wanted to adopt...one day, but more than anything I wanted to experience my child growing in my belly and be connected in a way that only a mother could be with her child. So, once again, I begged Jake for a baby. But this time, I was pleading with him to go see the Infertility Specialist, and once again, he was adamant. He did not have peace about it. He didn't believe there was anything wrong with seeking treatment, he just didn't feel like that's where God was leading us. He had been praying a very specific prayer for months, that God "would do something in and through our life that was so big, that only He could get the glory". My Spirit understood, but my flesh was rebelling, I felt like he was crushing my dream of ever having a baby. Things got tense between us, and things were never tense. We've always had a wonderful relationship, one with good communication and understanding. It didn't take long for the Lord to "wear me out" with conviction over how I was treating my husband. With a sincere heart, I went to Jake and told him that even though I didn't agree with him and it hurt me beyond description, I was going to recognize his authority and respect his decision for us not to seek treatment. I was willing to keep trying and wait on the Lord.
...Negative test after negative test was met with a river of tears...I began to get depressed. It wasn't that I didn't have faith that God could open my womb, I had faith. I didn't doubt for a second that if He wanted me to have a baby then He could make it happen. I just knew in my heart that no amount of faith or prayer could give me a baby if it's not what God wanted. I had a hard time dealing with that fact. I got angry with God. After all, didn't I just give up my dreams of a career because he told me that His plan was for me to be a stay-at-home mom? I could've been in school doing what I love. Instead, I was breaking over a lost dream that I didn't even know I had until he placed it in my heart. I was mad. I was hurt. I was confused. My depression hit fast and furious, I went into a dark place. When you're mad at God, who do you run to? I had always ran to my Savior, no matter what I was facing. This was different, we were on the outs. Even though I knew that I wasn't alone, I felt alone. My depression may have been deep, but praise Jesus, it was short lived! God was speaking to my heart and I was listening. He softened my heart and gave me the grace I needed to accept His will. He broke me, poured me out and filled me with His perfect peace. There was still an ache in my heart at the thought of never having a baby, but I can honestly say, I came to terms with it. He brought me to a place where I could say in full sincerity that whatever he willed for my life, I was excited about it. He spoke to my heart about adoption. And for the first time in my life, I was excited about that too. I began to see it as my sweet husband had seen it for years, a beautiful picture of the gospel. I was excited and honored that God would choose me to be a small part in the incredible picture He was so effortlessly painting. I knew we had to wait a few years before we would even be eligible to adopt, but I was alright with that, because I knew it was God's will. I stopped obsessing over having a baby, over imagined pregnancy symptoms, I was content with Jake's motto "if it happens then wonderful, if not, we know that God has a better plan". One thing was for certain, we were supposed to adopt. We both had heard from the Lord and there was no doubt in either of us.
About a month later, I woke up and like so many times before, I was exhibiting "pregnancy symptoms". My heart was guarded and I refused to get sucked into this imagined craziness again. But these symptoms could not be ignored, neither could the Holy Spirit. I had this overwhelming sense that I was pregnant...I had sworn off pregnancy tests, so there were none in the house. So I woke Jake up and we took a trip to Walmart. Three tests later and it was confirmed, God had given me the desire of my heart!!!! A miracle baby was growing in my belly!!!!! I wish I had words to describe the feelings I felt in that moment, but there are none that would suffice. So I'll just let you imagine how I must have felt.....whatever you just imagined, I promise it was so much more :)
It didn't happen right away, but slowly, I could feel myself pulling away from the idea of adoption. The farther along I got in my pregnancy the more I started to wonder if God was just testing me to see if I was willing to trust and obey Him. I started believing that God wouldn't have given me a baby if we were supposed to adopt, would He? We must have gotten our wires crossed.
Through it all, Jake maintained that we were called to adopt, he never wavered. Never doubted. I did and it began to cause tension in our relationship, yet again. Adoption started to become a sensitive subject for both of us, eventually we stopped talking about it completely. If our marriage would have been a house then adoption would have been a room we both refused to visit. We closed that room off, boarded it up and pretended it didn't exist. We maintained a happy marriage, but deep down, the room we were trying so desperately to ignore was ripping us apart. We could only ignore it for so long...thankfully, just as always, God was faithful to speak to my heart. I was seven months pregnant and we were on our last vacation before our sweet baby girl was scheduled to arrive....did I forget to mention, we found out we were having a girl! :)....we were walking along the beach one evening and God spoke these words clear into my heart, "stop using this blessing that I am growing inside of you as an excuse not to do what I have called you to do. I gave you the desire of your heart because I love you and it was a part of My perfect plan, not to confuse you or to make you doubt what I have told you to do." It stopped me in my tracks. I had no doubt it was the Lord. His words pierced me like a knife and with them came overwhelming conviction. Once again, God broke me. I talked to Jake about what God had revealed to me and how He was changing my heart. Tears of joy were shed by both of us as he told me he had been praying for me. He knew I had been struggling and just as I had waited on him to have peace about starting a family the year before, he knew He had to wait on me in the same way now about our decision to adopt. God healed both of hearts and we were excited about adopting again...I was still scared, but I was on board. Certain of what we were supposed to do, but not sure when we were supposed to do it. We agreed that since adoption was usually a long, drawn out process that we wouldn't wait very long after our daughter was born to get started on the paperwork. Then we would wait on the Lord and His perfect timing.
I loved being pregnant. It wasn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but through it all, I was reminded how much I wanted this and how just a few months ago I would've given anything to experience the pains of pregnancy. So when I went into labor at 33 weeks and nothing the doctors did could stop my contractions, I had to remind myself that God had brought me this far, he was not going to leave me now. He was not going to leave me ever. I contracted every three to four minutes around the clock for four weeks. It was miserable. I was put on strict bed rest and admitted to the hospital four different times. Even then I was thankful. I may have been screaming in pain, but I was thankful. It was never far from my thoughts that the alternative was to never experience this at all, that helped me get through the pain and frustration. That, and knowing that soon I would hold my sweet miracle baby in my arms.
Finally, she was here. I wasn't thinking about all we had been through to get her here, the heartache and the pain; all I could think about was the fact that she was finally here. Ella Kate. She was six pounds, one ounce, eighteen inches of pure perfection. Jake and I were in love; head over heels, don't know what your getting yourself into, L-O-V-E, love. Our first few days with her were wonderful, everything I had ever imagined. It wasn't long until the baby blues set in, I had been warned about them so I didn't get alarmed when they started to rear their weepy, irrational head. No one ever warned me that they might not go away. They didn't. They got worse, before I realized what was going on, I was in full blown depression. If you've never experienced it, you have no idea what a horrifying place that is for a mom, especially a new mom. Weeks went by in a blur of tears and feelings of failure and resentment. I felt hopeless and I had no logical reason to feel anything less than happy. I didn't even know that what I was experiencing wasn't normal until a dear friend forced me to face reality. I was not myself, I was not alright. I needed to rid myself of pride and seek help. I went to see my doctor that day. He diagnosed me with post-partum depression and told me that he was thankful I didn't wait because without medical intervention it would continue to get worse. A few short weeks later, I was feeling more like myself than I had in a long time, but I was still a long way from where I wanted to be. It was going to take time. I was no where close to being in a place where I could even think about adoption. Every time Jake would bring it up I could feel myself starting to have an anxiety attack. So we held off on taking any steps towards the adoption process. We decided to spend Ella Kate's first year focused on her and learning how to be her parents. We didn't set any limits on how long it would take to begin the process, but we decided that it was definitely not going to happen during her first year like we had originally planned. We never stopped praying about it and never stopped believing that one day it would be time.
Ella Kate had her first birthday a little over a month ago. Shortly after, I felt a stirring in my heart for more children. It felt like everyone around me was either expecting their second child or getting ready to try for number two. I started to get baby fever when my baby wasn't so much a "baby" anymore. She was walking and talking. The picture of Miss Independent. I joked with Jake about having another one and to my surprise he wasn't against it. He felt the stirring too. We prayed about it, but we could not get peace about having another baby. After a great deal of prayer, we knew that the stirring we were feeling was the Lord awakening our desire to adopt. It was time to start the process. We would have to wait until July to start the official paperwork, but the Holy Spirit was urging us to start raising financial and spiritual support as soon as possible.
A few days after we came to this decision, I was contacted by a friend I hadn't spoken to in over a year. We had both moved away and lost touch due to the chaos known as life. She wanted to let me know that she was now an independent beauty consultant for a cosmetic company known as Mary Kay. She new that I loved Mary Kay products and wondered if I would be interested in becoming a consultant as well. She also knew that I was a stay-at-home mom and wanted me to take advantage of this golden opportunity to make extra income if I desired. I didn't contact her back. I wanted to message her and thank her for thinking of me, but let her know that I wasn't interested. For some reason I just couldn't, the Holy Spirit wouldn't let me. I was instructed to hold off and pray. So I prayed and God showed me that this was part of His plan. I shared this with my husband and he prayed too. We both felt that God was making a way for us to adopt. Despite my fears of failure and my feelings of inadequacy and intimidation, we decided to be obedient and trust God. I am now an independent beauty consultant for Mary Kay. Everything I sell will go towards our adoption fund. Please pray for me as I begin this endeavor.
We are so excited about our baby! He* may be a toddler or he may not even be born yet, but one thing is for certain, He is ours. God is going to watch over him until it is time for us to have him. We pray for him everyday and ask that you join us in praying for him. We love him the way we love his sister, Ella Kate. We look forward to the journey of bringing him home.
Thank you for taking the time to read this "novel" that is our story. I promise my blogs will not be long on a regular basis. I will probably never write a post this long ever again. That being said, I feel like God was calling me to share our story. I hope it helped or touched someone in a special way. I want to thank you in advance for your love and support as we start this journey. The journey of bringing our son home.
*we have both always felt like our adopted baby will be a boy so we refer to him as a he, it is not set in stone and we are open to any baby that God gives us.
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